"Work"

I am just getting in from my first shift at work today. There are many days in which I work in the morning, have a nice break and go back in the evening. This isn't an ideal schedule but is understandable considering that my clients need to work at their jobs to pay me (thank goodness! ). So, as is typical for me I go to the gym between time, or run errands or visit with some friends.... it's a tough life I know! This may need to change in the near future but for now I am savoring the flexibility of my practice. I have been very fortunate, in my line of work.

· First because I am still physically able to work (and at what is considered a full time schedule in the filed (about 16 hours )).

· Second is that I am still able to do the type of work which I love... I love, love, love deep tissue work... I have taken more CEU classes than I could possibly remember but the work that I do most is deep tissue (the hardest on the practitioners body but generally the modality which facilitates the most results).

· Third is that I have never advertised... in the ten years which I have done this work (eight being on my own) plus the two for training before that I have never dropped my cards anywhere, never made a flyer, never ran an advertisement. This is especially beneficial because I am more likely to keep a client than the average practice (due to the fact that they are coming to me solely on the recommendation of an already existing client), and I am much less likely to attract freaks to my office. (THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!!)

· Fourth, my practice has grown, slowly, but when you see that massage is now offered everywhere form hair salons to doctors offices that doesn't bother me.

I do have some frustrations though (who doesn't) and they are mostly peoples perception of the work and the practitioners that are out there. I recently interviewed a newly graduated therapist (who couldn't tell me where her gastrocs were (oh brother!!!)) and her license number was in the 19,000 range... mine is just under 5,000... I mention this because there are now, sooo many places where you can go to school to become certified. This bothers me... they are churning out 'therapists' in 7 months... these licensed practitioners have no idea of what they are working on or the damage that they could do by not having all that information. I have been teaching at the school I went to for some time and I have noticed a marked decline in the quality of the students... I am expected to be easier on them and not to expect them to know as much material... so needless to say I have some evaluating to do... I don't think that I can continue working there; lieing and falsely representing my own standards or that of the field.

I'm not sure why I am going on about this or how this topic even came to me but this is my treatment room.... the bars on the ceiling are for my hands when I am doing ashiatsu oriental bar therapy (AOBT~ www.deepfeet.com). This modality is done with the practitioners feet. It is the best massage I have ever received (and I'm picky) and one of the only two types of work I am willing to pay for (the other being Thai). So if you are in need of some work... ashiatsu is the way to go.

Best wishes!

Ren

My Very Own Critic

Once again... and email from a friend (yes, a real friend not a cyber one ) is prompting part of my blog. She sent a lil story along w/ a pic of us together. We were acting like fools (what a shock!) at a restaurant in Orlando. Along with the pic she had some questions... like when u look at me what do u see? how do u feel etc? then after I replied she asked the same questions but looking at myself in the pic. I find it amazing how, even though, I've done a lot of work on accepting who I am I can be so critical of myself. After I sent that email back to her she sent back a response of what she sees when she looks at me in the pic. It was a great excercise.... if you have someone who you can be completely honest with I suggest you do it (this could pertain much more to the females out there than the males... I dunno). So in this pic. this is what I see... lol.

•... I see the red dot at the end of my nose. LMAO! This is a funny thing that I was born with... it is just a lil red dot... smack in the middle of my face... centered on the end of my nose. too funny... it's like someone took a marker and marked me. I have had a friends lil boy say to me "you have a boo boo?" and I didn't know what he was talking about.... she said "you habe a pimple on the end of your nose." LOL nope... it's my mark. So anyway its noticable to me... doesn't bother me (unless someone thinks I have a blemish there) so I guess I'll keep it.
•The other things aren't as telling or personal as that... I hate my trapezious muscles (I know goofy...but I do) they are huge from swimming competitively for so many years....
•my whiter than white skin which shows every mark and flaw as if it were light in neon...
•and the new changes around my eyes.... over all I'm good... nothing that bothers me too much (with this part anyway). Everything and everyone is a work in progress I know this and accept that. I am actually more comfortable now, in this skin, than I have ever been before... so please dont feel that u need to shore me up... I'm not looking for anything like that I simply wanted to talk about this email and some of my irks about my physical appearance. I also know that if you stare too long ( and analize too much you could think a sunset is flawed (which they most definitely are not).
BE WELL! BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELVES, and as always HUGS from Ren!

Be the Change

Over the years I have been frustrated by many things (who hasn't). Not the least of which is the amount of sadness and suffering that I see people living with. I see people chosing to live their lives miserably, wallowing in what they think is a bad day, week, year or life. I thank God that I am not someone who looks at things through the eyes of right and wrong. I am much more likely to look at instances as experiences and what can I learn from this than was it wrong or bad. I've learned that the more narrow you make your definition of right and wrong the more narrow your existance will be. The less you judge yourself and others the more full and open you will live. Although I say this I also know that there are a lot of bad things that happen in peoples lives which they have no control over. That is fine... I really think we have control over so few things anyway... it's all an illusion- aside from your perception and how u go on from an event. I have designed my life to be able to help others where I can....I try and volunteer periodicly at a local convelescent home and also do a lot of work with a nonprofit that works w families and children. Sunday I was in charge of a fundraiser. I had to negotiate out the contract with the convention center... plan the menu, do the publicity, get speakers to come to the event, and everything else including but not limited to nametags,guestlists etc. It was a lot of work but turned out to be a lovely event. I needed to thank my committees and introduce the speakers and was as nervous as hell. There were only 150 people there so it wasn't too big of a group but since we were set up with the podium at the end of a long room I felt like I was being watched very closely (ick). The good news is I didn't pass out and didn't say anything too outrageous... it all turned out beautifully and was a good primer for my big event in March (850 people there- ugh). So anyway.... I think my intention was to say that if you see something in this life that you wish were differnet do what u can to change it. It only takes a few kind words to make someones day... you may be the only smile they see that week... do something good and give of yourself. (getting down off my soapbox now)

Have a great day and be good to each other! :D

Renny

Gaussian Blur

This is yet another random observation which I have collected about myself, one which I have been able to embrace and appreciate....

Being the person that I am I am always thinking... I love to experience life and all it has to offer, but there is a part of me always analyzing... looking for the details of the moment. I used to feel this put me apart from others as they never remembered the details of the day or moment (as I did). I have since realized that for me it is a strong desire to imprint each moment into my life... to not let a minute go by which isnt remembered. This is especially true when it comes to my interactions with others... I'm not satisfied to simply and mindlessly move through these interaction as if they mean nothing, l am looking for a visual (typically) to archive and store for easy access and refrence. Perhaps this is why I paint, perhaps its why I notice the details of texture and depth of tone when I look out my window now, Im' not sure. I can say that this need to remember used to bother me, there was part of me that felt that because I was always looking to experience and remember and notice it meant that my time was short and I felt I needed to gather all I could while I was here. As I have aged and mellowed I see that that is no longer a fear for me... I'm not ready to go... I have a lot of work left to do on myself, but it has freed me to be able to embrace this trait of myself with out the fear of what it may or may not mean. I will continue to burn the minutes of my life into my existance and will not let the allure of a gaussian blur wipe the details from my days.... My life was meant to be lived and I am not one to be satisfied by merely existing.

I'll continue through my days and night thankful for them and knowing that although each moment passes into the next I will have a piece of it with me always...

Take care.. know you are thought of and be 'good'.

Hugs,

Renny

Flowers are red

Even as a young girl I loved music. I remember when I was about 10 years old crying when I heard on the radio that Harry Chapin had died in an automobile crash (I cried for Elvis too... I am really a sap ). The years passed as time does but I never forgot Harry or his music. One of my first jobs was at a CD and video rental store (what teenager wouldnt love that???). I purchased Harry Chapins Gold Metal Collection with my first paycheck, and havent regretted it since. One song, which had me transfixed immediately was Flowers Are Red. I found it fascinating that he could so eloquently write about how we stifle the creativity and real personality of our children (he wrote about it from an education perspective, but it is done just as much in the home). I was quite indignant about it then... now I see that even without trying you box your children in to roles... roles in the family, roles in their education, etc. I hope that I can keep this song and Harrys words in my heart as I raise my kids... I want them to be happy, good people above all else.

Below is a link to Youtube and a video which has this song as the music. The pic slideshow is of various works from MOMA (the Museum of Moderne Arte in NYC. Great place if you are ever in the area). I would have put the clip in if Yahoo wasnt punishing me... but it seems I have pissed the Gods off again and cannot seem to get that to happen ( I also tried to post it with the lyrics and not the video also not an acceptable offering to the powers that be).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbsDQL5Ym6Y

Enjoy the day and colour your world the way you want it to be.... use as many colours as u like...

,

Renata

So, dancing was great fun last weekend.... it was amazing to be able to dance and do what you wanted to do... all without a young man attached to your backside. Very freeing, lol. I told W that anytime she wanted to go, if I were available, I would come along. I found the women to be friendly and not aggressive, something which you dont find at a normal club. Although there were a couple of women who showed interest in me they were quite respectful, and didn't get into my space the way that men do. I did find it interesting that the style of dance that most of them were doing was very masculine (boxy and stiff) there were only a few which actually used their hips and shoulders. My friend told me later that I had straight written all over me by the way I was dancing. hehehe... I guess it's good to know that I don't dance gay (whatever that means ).

All that being said, I am making plans to go to a normal club this weekend, with my girlfriend Julie. We always have such amazing times together... absolutely the best! It is such fun, she is like me in so many respects and yet in others we are opposite and really compliment each other. I am tall (about 5'10") and she is almost a foot shorter than I am (she is 4'11"), although with her heels she is much taller. Her hair is long... almost to her butt, and mine is short... it was more contrasting when I was blonde (but I'm done with that for now ). She is the best... always ready to just have a good time, even if it means that Ren is going to be a total goof and make a scene. I love that she allows me to be exactly who I am and doesn't stiffle me. An absolute gem of a friend, I am a lucky girl indeed. So if I am lucky and it works out I will be dancing up a storm again this coming weekend... it looks like I wont have another opportunity until I get to Chicago. sigh (A,G and A had better be ready to boogie! )

So, have some fun... do something u love, something that feeds your soul and doesn't diminish you from being you......

Hugz ,

Ren

Dancing Queen

Friday night with local friends playing a dice game and drinking (well... they drank and I laughed ). Saturday going to see my surrogate hubby #2's new babies. (Jed and Trish had twins a couple days ago~ couldn't be happier for them all). Saturday afternoon a high school girlfriend came down from Massachusetts to spend some time with me and to go out dancing Saturday night. We had a nice time sitting in the sun out near the pool... drinking Sangria and laughing. I love how much better a day is when you spend it with someone who 'gets you'. Time with Jules is always fun. We could sit and talk for hours, we laugh and giggle, talk about the serious and the sexual. One of the few friends which I feel I could say anything to and she wouldn't feel any different about me... not someone who would even say that to make me feel more comfortable... she simply wouldn't feel differently. (what a blessing!!!)

After dinner we got ready and went to the capital to a new club. Has some very interesting decor and is on the more upscale side. One floor (top) is 80's type music, one is modern pop/techno mix and one is more of a martini lounge style with very high backed couches and interesting lil nooks. The first floor is also open to the outside and there is a nice patio, which was packed with people. The dance floor was desolate when we got there, and I was worried that I had chosen a dud of a place... damn! After a few drinks (which is far more than I would typically drink) I didn't care anymore and went with Jules (who by that point wasn't going to take no for an answer) to the dancefloor. Following with tradition: give us a song or two and suddenly there are people dancing! YAY! lol As the night wore on the parade of greasey hotdogs began. (I pick on Julie that she always attracts the greasey type of guys) We were both getting a great deal of attention, some not so bad and others not to our liking. The more attention we were getting I started to notice a big difference in the type of guys we were getting. Jules and her greasey hotdogs, who seemed to be nice, actually spoke to her and although they were grinding up against her were somewhat respectful.... if not protective. (Julie is 4'11 1/2"~ a tiny lil bit of a thing) ME? I got what I eventually ended up calling the Chihuahuas. I am tall for a female (just shy of 5'10") and when I dance I wear heels... so I am over six feet. I seemed to be attracting all the 'little men', that if a fella had a napoleon complex then he was all over me. My lil chicuahuas were not so respectful... one actually putting his face into my breasts (which got him a quick leave me the F alone), others thinking that as long as they were dancing their hands could go anywhere, others yet just so aggressively dancing with me that I nearly toppled onto Jules. It amazes me that people think that this is acceptable as long as they are at a club.... I doubt they act this way when they are at the grocery store or work... On the way home we decided that because she is so short she is seen as being delicate and needing to be taken care of and that because I am tall I not only don't need that but I need an overly aggressive approach.... LMAO. The other thing we have noticed, and this is not new, is that the darker the fella the more likely he will come my way. My skin is the whitest shade of white (and under the blacklights Jules tells me I glow ) thus making me a target yet again. I laughed when I told her that what my lil chihuahuas do is they stand above the dancefloor... peering out and they see me: taller than everyone else, glowing in my whiteness and seeming like I want the lil yappy ankle biters who attack always from behind. Perception is a funny thing... full of stories we tell ourselves and what we have been told by others, often based not on truth but on a feeling we had about a situation 'once upon a time'.
So that having been said... I loved the night. It always feels good to dance. We definitely worked off a ton of calories (by the time we left we were both completely drenched). Lots of laughs, a great buzz and time with one of my best friends... who could ask for more?

Today is another day filled with friendship for me. Jules and I got up and had some nice quiet time talking, sat beside the pool and caught a few rays as my daughter was doing flips into the cool water. She left a lil while ago and I have another GF and her kids coming up to swim and spend time with us this afternoon.... THIS is what summer is about! Taking the time to relax and soak it all in... filling the days (and nights) with people that you care about and that care about you...

Be well, take care and soak it all in (it will be over before we know it).

,

Ren

Moonbounce

More kids birthday parties this weekend (along with grocery shopping, errands and a dinner with friends). Once again I find myself going from one childs birthday party to the next. I am struck by the fact that I limit the amount of yes responses we give to party invitations and yet how many parties there are to go to. Today there seemed to be a theme... it was the "moonbounce" theme. Both parties were for very young children, one a three year old and the onther (a family member) was for a 1 year old. As is to be expected the kids LOVED the moonbounce houses. They were jumping up and down and laughing with great abandon. I noticed how all the parents were kind of sitting about and talking but didn't seem to be having nearly the amount of fun as the kids... so what did I do? YUP! You guessed it! I untied my strappy sandals, removed them and crawled inside. Bouncing up and down as high as I could, lifting up my legs and tucking them to fall onto my bottom.. bouncing up again and onto my feet. It was great fun, actually as much fun as I remember from my own childhood (possibly more). At the first party, I got inside when all the kids had left but as soon as they saw an adult they all came pouring in. It was fun to see their surprise and welcome to having an adult play with them (never mind a mom!!). By the time I decided I needed another romp at the second party I got inside when there were already a half dozen little bodies bouncing around like Jumping Beans. The reaction at the second party was similar to the first, giggles and smiles and exclaimations of delight. There were a couple dads who got into the Moonbounce at the second party and were jumping around as well... it was great to see. There are so many lessons which we can learn from our kids not the least of which is that life should be fun... if we are more concerned with staying cool, looking good or with what others are thinking we limit our capacity for fun. Something I don't want to do... life is too short to limit the fun and too long if I don't allow myself any.

Be well and happy...

Hugz,

Ren

Sister

I absolutely adore my sister. Unfortunately she currently lives in Texas, and I only get to see her once a year (perhaps 2 or if I am lucky 3 days). She has lived there for what feels like an eternity and in actuality is about 3.5 years. She came out for what she fondly calls the "Northeast Tour". She flew into Jersey to spend a few days with friends, went into NYC for a bit, came to see us for a day in RhodeIsland, went to Mass to be with the rents and to see her 'old friends' and then came back to me for a day and a half. Insane itinerary but truly cramming in as much 'good stuff' as she can into the time she has. :)

This year I wasn't at my best, which completely sucks. I had been looking forward to this visit for so long and wanted to do all sorts of things with her. Instead it was a low key time and I needed to be grateful that I had the time I did with her, not resentful for the time I didn't get to have. Sounds like such an easy concept and there are times when it is so clear. I look in the direction of what I had planned and what really happened is different, but that is okay. This wasn't one of those times, perhaps because I (like her) wanted to cram as much into our short time together as possible. Perhaps because I can be a complete control freak. The good thing is that I was able to just sit and let things go as they were meant to be. I was given the gift of her company and THAT is what I really wanted. The 'doing' that I had wanted can be done another time, and if it isnt then thats okay too.

Ang is a great person, very spirited and much less reserved than I am. (some of you may be chuckling at that ) I value her perspectives and her inquizative nature.... I love that we are both 'seekers', both people who want to really know who a person is. What a persons dreams are and what makes them who they are. We both believe in the good of people, and that good people can do bad things, that it is all part of being human. Growing up I both resented her and felt responsible for her. Angie is 6.5 years younger than I am. I had that long to live my life as a single child, then she came along. I felt that I was always asked to watch her, that I was the one doing the chores while she played with her friends (luckily I think she kind of remembers it that way too). We joke that we were raised by two different sets of parents, mine were completely overbearing and overthe top and hers let her get away with too much. By the time she graduated high school I was already married, we didnt have a lot in common. As she struggled with college (and left) and the life changes which she experienced in the few years after, I became concerned that she was going to have a sad and empy life. She struggled a lot in those years and it was painful to watch (I can't imagine what it was like to go through it). I asked her to move away from our homestate and come to live with me. I told her that there were many more opportunities where I was and that by staying with us she could get her feet on the ground. Gratefully she did. She stayed here for about two years. There were trying times, but she was getting stronger and more sure of herself, it was great to see. Time went on and she moved out, but lived locally for a while. Then she transferred and moved to New Jersey (not knowing a soul), from there onto Texas. She has gotten her associates degree and has continued her education in other fields. Cant say enough about how much I respect her, how proud I am of her, how much I appreciate that I can talk to her about something and I dont have to give her the 'back story' (because she knows where I come from), love her unstoppable nature and her heart. It was a blessing to see her, I miss her terribly and will save my pennies until I can go out to Texas and spend some time in her 'neck of the woods'.

This is a big ramble and I am not even sure it makes any sense, but I am too tired to reread it and edit.

Blessings to all of you, take care and enjoy the moments you have.... dont look at them through the foggy lens of what you wanted them to be.



Ren

Fear and the climb out from it

Fear is something best served without fanfare or anticipation. I have had a fear of heights since I was a kid. I was on an amusement ride and was being tobbled by its rolling. My feet and lower legs kept falling out the "window" and eventually tangled and were stuck, as the vessile moved. After much screaming on my part the ride needed to be stopped and they had to extricate me from the ride. Not good! So from that day forward I have had a fear of heights. It has gotten greater as time has passed, as fears often do. I have gotten tot he point where if I were to go into a building which has an open courtyard ,and then floors above it to look into it, if the railing system is clear (glass) I cannot stand near it. I walk to the outer edge near the walls. *sigh... so frustrating * This fear has irritated me for a long time, it seems so silly to me. I have tried to talk myself out of it (which didnt work) I have tried to confront it (which made me sick) it isnt something which alters my life on a daily basis but something which makes me feel out of control (in a bad way). SO.... I had thought about skydiving this year... I figure its one step and then I have no choice but to fall. The fear would be looked at squarely and seen for nothing more than that. You may have noticed that its August and I haven't been yet... ummm, yeah prob not gonna happen this year. lol I have recently met a woman who has been climbing for 12 years or so. She's awesome!!! She invited me to go. I said yes! Definitely!!! There was no hesitation to my reply, I have wanted to rock climb and I also want to get rid of this fear. Saturday we went. I was so excited, but didnt allow myself to really think about it much, as I didnt want to get myself nervous before the moment came for me to start. Watching Carol set up the webs and tie off the anchors was great. She was generous with her knowledge and answered all my questions... I couldn't ask enough of them. I was so intrigued and wanted to know everything, from how to tie the knots to what things were called and what the differences of the equipment were. Then the moment came... sigh. You can see in the pic that I am about ready to be ill.... I was very scared but I didnt come all that way to not face this thing (it wasnt even a thought in my mind to not do it). I was sitting on the very edge at that moment.... the last moments when you triple check your harness and safety lines. It was the last time I was facing out into the trees and the last time I had something horizontal under my feet. Carol talked me through my fear and off the edge. Once she got me to straighten my legs and get my butt down as low as them I was happy as a clam. It was thrilling beyond belief... and going down is easy! I bounced and hopped my way down, enjoying the ride. feeling great because I was able to relax into the motions and let the system do the brunt of the work for me. Absolutely thrilling. When we all got to the base it was time to climb back up.... okay I was ready!!! yippee!! After readying the system taking out the slack and starting to climb I came to a plce where I was stuck and my feet started to slip. (Holy SHIT!!!!) Carol had me let go of the wall... talk about a moment when you have to trust. I did and then I got back into position, determine dto climb the whole wall. It took me a while but I did it!! All me fears of falling, all my fears of slipping, fears of what "could happen", "will likely happen" slipping away as I reached the top. Once there I repelled down again.... oh what an amazing feeling. The relief of years of fear being rinsed from me. We moved anchor and did the same thing a bit further down pinnicle rock....just awesome!!! I cant wait to go again, anyone game?????

First climb was 100 verticle feet 5.6 degree od difficulty second was 90 feet with a 5.7 degree of difficulty.

as the quote goes.... " the only thing we have to fear is fear itself!!!...."

Fall in New England (repost from old blog)

Fall in New England.... there is nothing like it. The hills and trees seem to be painted by the hand of God and we are the lucky patrons, who do not need to pay but are given open access to delight in the splendor of it all. Each time I step from my house or office I am taken aback by the colours this year.... they are amazing. Stunning to be exact. It makes me realize how I could be living my life more consciously, more present in the moments and less preoccupied in the doing or needing to be done. I have been letting too many things, and too many people, fall through my fingers. Life is full and amazing, but easily stuffed beyond its capacity with the nothing which we somehow feel is important... the nothing like: a super shiny car... hand buffed to the point of mirror reflection, a perfectly manicured lawn so that one wouldnt know it was fall if you didn't have a "welcome Fall" flag hanging outside your door, hair which is beautifully coiffed and does not move with the body or upon the breeze which caresses you. I see how even I fall into this "stuffing" and I consider myself to be a fairly conscious person. It is moments like these... when my breath is taken away that I realize that life is not full of "disney experiences" but overbrimming with everyday magic, the amazing realities of life. If I dont look for them, search them out, I will easily overlook them... missing the gifts of the day, the miricles of my life, my existance, my friends (and family). Time to cultivate this appreciation is here if I really want it, just as there is enough time to blog, to read, to call a friend I haven't spoken to in a while. The reality is that I either have told myself there isn't time or I have reassigned it to something/someone else. Reflection (like that in the shiny car) is often more than I wish to see; when it comes to answering questions that I dont want to see my own responsability in I insead look away. *sigh*

deep rambles which started as a simple appreciation for the season and the gifts in my life which have no monitary cost to me but are laiden with riches... ones I often dont know if I deserve.

as always... not edited or even reread....

hope you are all well and filled witht hte awe of the wonder of life....

Blessings and hugz,

Ren

Late Night Swim

..Skin warmed and soft brushed cotton slips from my body, grazing my curves as it tumbles, puddling at my feet.
Cooling summer air finds all the places which were covered and comforted by fabric just moments ago, bringing new sensatons to yearning flesh.
A short flight through the air followed by a small splash, crashing into the silence of the darkened night.
Twinkling stars shining down, watching over me as I answer the primitive call to be at one with water.
Electric sensations washing over sunkissed skin like a thousand pair of fingers caressing and exploring every neuance and every sinue of my body.
Becconing me into her depths to feel more and be lost in the silence she offers.
Lifting me up, mounds of responsive flesh floating up as if being offered on a platter, and still calling me back into her silken depths at the same time.
Hair floating about and spreading around me: looking like Medusa's mane, wild, unruly and quite bewitching.
Diving below once more, losing myself in her silence, in the pressure and comfort she gives
Twisting and turning, pushing off, gently and rhythmicly undulating; moving through the liquid silk. Revelling in the delecious, irristibly magnetic need to feel it on every inch of me............