The Invitation

This piece of writing I have had for a number of years. The first time I read it i was stopped in my tracks... it speaks to who we are as people. Looking for the authentic and genuine, asking what is truly important to you and how far you are willing to go to get to it.... When I feel I am fighting a losing battle I reread it and refresh the words in my soul.

I hope that you enjoy it as well. :)










The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer


It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.





Nameste

I once loved a person so much that the very cells of my being were changed by the experience. The person I was before and the person during were no more related than two strangers passing on a street, to say nothing about the person after. The glory of loving that deeply is that you are newly alive with the experience, the treachery is that you have nothing to go back to after it is done. I suppose that an enlightened person would see that as an amazing opportunity to create yourself anew. The broken person in me sees it as an extreme loss and feels adrift on a wave of blackness to which I have no bearings and way of knowing which way is up. There are two things which will allow me to find a new course, my kids, as they are the only constant in my life and the only things (and people) I didn't give up, willingly, in trade for this experience. Seeing them and knowing that they need me will allow me to plod one foot infront of the other until one day I notice I am in a completely different place. I remind myself that even a snail changes its surroundings and experience of the world... at its infinitesimal pace. The trick is to not make him into a monster, as a way to protect myself from the pain of the experience. Allowing him the grace to be as I saw him; vibrant, alive, passionate, etc. instead of manipulative, deceitful, vindictive and never satiated. The pain speaks and uses terrible words and examples to show me how it was all there laid out before me like a map from the very start but i know that it is out of protection that it rails and yells. The truth of the matter is I knew from the first moment that I would be lost in this meeting that i would be changed and altered, like a piece of furniture which is stripped down before it can be stained into something new. Knowing that I still stepped forward, into the abyss and into the highs and lows which carried me and changed me more than any other experience (aside from becoming a mom) in my life. Stepped into the chasm where I lay now unknowing how to stand, how to navigate and where to turn. I pray that God has mercy on my soul and shines a path for me, for I havent the strength left to search for it on my own....

I once loved a boy so much it changed EVERYTHING.

Tornado..

no joke.. I didnt know that was what was going on... thought it was a bad thunderstorm... but this is part of what the New Haven Register had to say..."...WETHERSFIELD — The National Weather Service says a Connecticut tornado that knocked out power and downed trees lasted three minutes, traveled 1.7 miles and packed winds between 80 and 90 mph.The tornado was estimated at EF-1 on the Enhanced Fujita Scale.The agency conducted ground and aerial surveys at Farmington and Wethersfield Saturday, a day after a narrow twister uprooted trees and flatted cornstalks in a field.Drivers in the Glastonbury-Hartford area reported being pelted with golfball-size hail, and heavy storm damage was reported in Farmington.Numerous trees were knocked down, and some were driven through houses, including a two-story house at Church and Garden streets in Old Wethersfield that was split in two. A steady stream of curious onlookers passed the house all weekend as crews worked on the debris."I had lima bean sized hail and as I drove in this to work (in the town where the actual tornado struck :P) I did see the clumps of larger hail on the side of the road...the sky was black as could be and the lightening was amazing (of course since I like lightening I was obvliviously not alarmed).I will try and send some pics of some of the trees that were tron down. It was easy to kind of brush this off as not such a big deal until I drove down "Wolcott Hill Road" in Wethersfield... 300 year old trees completely uprooted. The exposed part of the root masses were sometimes 12' in diameter. Other old trees have no limbs left... they look as though someone grabbed them and stripped off all the limbs and foliage..once again another reminder to make the most of each day, of each moment.... you never know when something whill change and your number will be up.Live your best life and Soak it all up.*hugs* Ren

Scrapbooked- YUP I really, really scrapbooked :P

It has been 3.5 years sinc eI last scrapbooked... Oh my how the time has quickly passed. I was losing my luster for it before I got sick and then once I was busy reassembling the pieces of my life scrapbooking didnt seem to have a place. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I feel the need to Scrap once again... It's a visual jurmal of sorts, a colourful gratitude list and a way for me to keep note of the tiny and sometimes monumental things that are common occurances in life. :)

My gf Denise belongs to a group which challenges u to scrap to a word... the word was "good" and since it was an easy one I decided that I would use it in my layout on Bean...

the journalling reads:

"There was a time in that perfection waas not only wanted ( from myself) by me but something I wanted from all. In the years of being a Mom I have learned to embrace "GOOD NUF". Michaela has taught me to see dirty feet with grass blades stuck to them, not just as "GOOD NUF" but as a natural delight. I see this moment in time and I see her wearing her patch (doing what she hated but what ws required of her) and also doing her, summer, school work.

DIRTY FEET?? NOT an issue. Michaela strengthening her eyes and her mind?

"GOOD NUF" (and more!!)

:)

photo 6-06

journalling 6-09

Thanks for taking a peek :)

Dancing Queen :)

Friday night with local friends playing a dice game and drinking (well... they drank and I laughed ). Saturday going to see my surrogate hubby #2's new babies. (Jed and Trish had twins a couple days ago~ couldn't be happier for them all). Saturday afternoon a high school girlfriend came down from Massachusetts to spend some time with me and to go out dancing Saturday night. We had a nice time sitting in the sun out near the pool... drinking Sangria and laughing. I love how much better a day is when you spend it with someone who 'gets you'. Time with Jules is always fun. We could sit and talk for hours, we laugh and giggle, talk about the serious and the sexual. One of the few friends which I feel I could say anything to and she wouldn't feel any different about me... not someone who would even say that to make me feel more comfortable... she simply wouldn't feel differently. (what a blessing!!!)
After dinner we got ready and went to the capital to a new club. Has some very interesting decor and is on the more upscale side. One floor (top) is 80's type music, one is modern pop/techno mix and one is more of a martini lounge style with very high backed couches and interesting lil nooks. The first floor is also open to the outside and there is a nice patio, which was packed with people. The dance floor was desolate when we got there, and I was worried that I had chosen a dud of a place... damn! After a few drinks (which is far more than I would typically drink) I didn't care anymore and went with Jules (who by that point wasn't going to take no for an answer) to the dancefloor. Following with tradition: give us a song or two and suddenly there are people dancing! YAY! lol As the night wore on the parade of greasey hotdogs began. (I pick on Julie that she always attracts the greasey type of guys) We were both getting a great deal of attention, some not so bad and others not to our liking. The more attention we were getting I started to notice a big difference in the type of guys we were getting. Jules and her greasey hotdogs, who seemed to be nice, actually spoke to her and although they were grinding up against her were somewhat respectful.... if not protective. (Julie is 4'11 1/2"~ a tiny lil bit of a thing) ME? I got what I eventually ended up calling the Chihuahuas. I am tall for a female (just shy of 5'10") and when I dance I wear heels... so I am over six feet. I seemed to be attracting all the 'little men', that if a fella had a napoleon complex then he was all over me. My lil chicuahuas were not so respectful... one actually putting his face into my breasts (which got him a quick leave me the F alone), others thinking that as long as they were dancing their hands could go anywhere, others yet just so aggressively dancing with me that I nearly toppled onto Jules. It amazes me that people think that this is acceptable as long as they are at a club.... I doubt they act this way when they are at the grocery store or work... On the way home we decided that because she is so short she is seen as being delicate and needing to be taken care of and that because I am tall I not only don't need that but I need an overly aggressive approach.... LMAO. The other thing we have noticed, and this is not new, is that the darker the fella the more likely he will come my way. My skin is the whitest shade of white (and under the blacklights Jules tells me I glow ) thus making me a target yet again. I laughed when I told her that what my lil chihuahuas do is they stand above the dancefloor... peering out and they see me: taller than everyone else, glowing in my whiteness and seeming like I want the lil yappy ankle biters who attack always from behind. Perception is a funny thing... full of stories we tell ourselves and what we have been told by others, often based not on truth but on a feeling we had about a situation 'once upon a time'.So that having been said... I loved the night. It always feels good to dance. We definitely worked off a ton of calories (by the time we left we were both completely drenched). Lots of laughs, a great buzz and time with one of my best friends... who could ask for more?
Today is another day filled with friendship for me. Jules and I got up and had some nice quiet time talking, sat beside the pool and caught a few rays as my daughter was doing flips into the cool water. She left a lil while ago and I have another GF and her kids coming up to swim and spend time with us this afternoon.... THIS is what summer is about! Taking the time to relax and soak it all in... filling the days (and nights) with people that you care about and that care about you...
Be well, take care and soak it all in (it will be over before we know it).

Moonbounce :)

More kids birthday parties this weekend (along with grocery shopping, errands and a dinner with friends). Once again I find myself going from one childs birthday party to the next. I am struck by the fact that I limit the amount of yes responses we give to party invitations and yet how many parties there are to go to. Today there seemed to be a theme... it was the "moonbounce" theme. Both parties were for very young children, one a three year old and the onther (a family member) was for a 1 year old. As is to be expected the kids LOVED the moonbounce houses. They were jumping up and down and laughing with great abandon. I noticed how all the parents were kind of sitting about and talking but didn't seem to be having nearly the amount of fun as the kids... so what did I do? YUP! You guessed it! I untied my strappy sandals, removed them and crawled inside. Bouncing up and down as high as I could, lifting up my legs and tucking them to fall onto my bottom.. bouncing up again and onto my feet. It was great fun, actually as much fun as I remember from my own childhood (possibly more). At the first party, I got inside when all the kids had left but as soon as they saw an adult they all came pouring in. It was fun to see their surprise and welcome to having an adult play with them (never mind a mom!!). By the time I decided I needed another romp at the second party I got inside when there were already a half dozen little bodies bouncing around like Jumping Beans. The reaction at the second party was similar to the first, giggles and smiles and exclaimations of delight. There were a couple dads who got into the Moonbounce at the second party and were jumping around as well... it was great to see. There are so many lessons which we can learn from our kids not the least of which is that life should be fun... if we are more concerned with staying cool, looking good or with what others are thinking we limit our capacity for fun. Something I don't want to do... life is too short to limit the fun and too long if I don't allow myself any.

Sister :)

I absolutely adore my sister. Unfortunately she currently lives in Texas, and I only get to see her once a year (perhaps 2 or if I am lucky 3 days). She has lived there for what feels like an eternity and in actuality is about 3.5 years. She came out for what she fondly calls the "Northeast Tour". She flew into Jersey to spend a few days with friends, went into NYC for a bit, came to see us for a day in RhodeIsland, went to Mass to be with the rents and to see her 'old friends' and then came back to me for a day and a half. Insane itinerary but truly cramming in as much 'good stuff' as she can into the time she has. :)
This year I wasn't at my best, which completely sucks. I had been looking forward to this visit for so long and wanted to do all sorts of things with her. Instead it was a low key time and I needed to be grateful that I had the time I did with her, not resentful for the time I didn't get to have. Sounds like such an easy concept and there are times when it is so clear. I look in the direction of what I had planned and what really happened is different, but that is okay. This wasn't one of those times, perhaps because I (like her) wanted to cram as much into our short time together as possible. Perhaps because I can be a complete control freak. The good thing is that I was able to just sit and let things go as they were meant to be. I was given the gift of her company and THAT is what I really wanted. The 'doing' that I had wanted can be done another time, and if it isnt then thats okay too.
Ang is a great person, very spirited and much less reserved than I am. (some of you may be chuckling at that ) I value her perspectives and her inquizative nature.... I love that we are both 'seekers', both people who want to really know who a person is. What a persons dreams are and what makes them who they are. We both believe in the good of people, and that good people can do bad things, that it is all part of being human. Growing up I both resented her and felt responsible for her. Angie is 6.5 years younger than I am. I had that long to live my life as a single child, then she came along. I felt that I was always asked to watch her, that I was the one doing the chores while she played with her friends (luckily I think she kind of remembers it that way too). We joke that we were raised by two different sets of parents, mine were completely overbearing and overthe top and hers let her get away with too much. By the time she graduated high school I was already married, we didnt have a lot in common. As she struggled with college (and left) and the life changes which she experienced in the few years after, I became concerned that she was going to have a sad and empy life. She struggled a lot in those years and it was painful to watch (I can't imagine what it was like to go through it). I asked her to move away from our homestate and come to live with me. I told her that there were many more opportunities where I was and that by staying with us she could get her feet on the ground. Gratefully she did. She stayed here for about two years. There were trying times, but she was getting stronger and more sure of herself, it was great to see. Time went on and she moved out, but lived locally for a while. Then she transferred and moved to New Jersey (not knowing a soul), from there onto Texas. She has gotten her associates degree and has continued her education in other fields. Cant say enough about how much I respect her, how proud I am of her, how much I appreciate that I can talk to her about something and I dont have to give her the 'back story' (because she knows where I come from), love her unstoppable nature and her heart. It was a blessing to see her, I miss her terribly and will save my pennies until I can go out to Texas and spend some time in her 'neck of the woods'.
This is a big ramble and I am not even sure it makes any sense, but I am too tired to reread it and edit.
Blessings to all of you, take care and enjoy the moments you have.... dont look at them through the foggy lens of what you wanted them to be.
Ren