Sister

I absolutely adore my sister. Unfortunately she currently lives in Texas, and I only get to see her once a year (perhaps 2 or if I am lucky 3 days). She has lived there for what feels like an eternity and in actuality is about 3.5 years. She came out for what she fondly calls the "Northeast Tour". She flew into Jersey to spend a few days with friends, went into NYC for a bit, came to see us for a day in RhodeIsland, went to Mass to be with the rents and to see her 'old friends' and then came back to me for a day and a half. Insane itinerary but truly cramming in as much 'good stuff' as she can into the time she has. :)

This year I wasn't at my best, which completely sucks. I had been looking forward to this visit for so long and wanted to do all sorts of things with her. Instead it was a low key time and I needed to be grateful that I had the time I did with her, not resentful for the time I didn't get to have. Sounds like such an easy concept and there are times when it is so clear. I look in the direction of what I had planned and what really happened is different, but that is okay. This wasn't one of those times, perhaps because I (like her) wanted to cram as much into our short time together as possible. Perhaps because I can be a complete control freak. The good thing is that I was able to just sit and let things go as they were meant to be. I was given the gift of her company and THAT is what I really wanted. The 'doing' that I had wanted can be done another time, and if it isnt then thats okay too.

Ang is a great person, very spirited and much less reserved than I am. (some of you may be chuckling at that ) I value her perspectives and her inquizative nature.... I love that we are both 'seekers', both people who want to really know who a person is. What a persons dreams are and what makes them who they are. We both believe in the good of people, and that good people can do bad things, that it is all part of being human. Growing up I both resented her and felt responsible for her. Angie is 6.5 years younger than I am. I had that long to live my life as a single child, then she came along. I felt that I was always asked to watch her, that I was the one doing the chores while she played with her friends (luckily I think she kind of remembers it that way too). We joke that we were raised by two different sets of parents, mine were completely overbearing and overthe top and hers let her get away with too much. By the time she graduated high school I was already married, we didnt have a lot in common. As she struggled with college (and left) and the life changes which she experienced in the few years after, I became concerned that she was going to have a sad and empy life. She struggled a lot in those years and it was painful to watch (I can't imagine what it was like to go through it). I asked her to move away from our homestate and come to live with me. I told her that there were many more opportunities where I was and that by staying with us she could get her feet on the ground. Gratefully she did. She stayed here for about two years. There were trying times, but she was getting stronger and more sure of herself, it was great to see. Time went on and she moved out, but lived locally for a while. Then she transferred and moved to New Jersey (not knowing a soul), from there onto Texas. She has gotten her associates degree and has continued her education in other fields. Cant say enough about how much I respect her, how proud I am of her, how much I appreciate that I can talk to her about something and I dont have to give her the 'back story' (because she knows where I come from), love her unstoppable nature and her heart. It was a blessing to see her, I miss her terribly and will save my pennies until I can go out to Texas and spend some time in her 'neck of the woods'.

This is a big ramble and I am not even sure it makes any sense, but I am too tired to reread it and edit.

Blessings to all of you, take care and enjoy the moments you have.... dont look at them through the foggy lens of what you wanted them to be.



Ren

Fear and the climb out from it

Fear is something best served without fanfare or anticipation. I have had a fear of heights since I was a kid. I was on an amusement ride and was being tobbled by its rolling. My feet and lower legs kept falling out the "window" and eventually tangled and were stuck, as the vessile moved. After much screaming on my part the ride needed to be stopped and they had to extricate me from the ride. Not good! So from that day forward I have had a fear of heights. It has gotten greater as time has passed, as fears often do. I have gotten tot he point where if I were to go into a building which has an open courtyard ,and then floors above it to look into it, if the railing system is clear (glass) I cannot stand near it. I walk to the outer edge near the walls. *sigh... so frustrating * This fear has irritated me for a long time, it seems so silly to me. I have tried to talk myself out of it (which didnt work) I have tried to confront it (which made me sick) it isnt something which alters my life on a daily basis but something which makes me feel out of control (in a bad way). SO.... I had thought about skydiving this year... I figure its one step and then I have no choice but to fall. The fear would be looked at squarely and seen for nothing more than that. You may have noticed that its August and I haven't been yet... ummm, yeah prob not gonna happen this year. lol I have recently met a woman who has been climbing for 12 years or so. She's awesome!!! She invited me to go. I said yes! Definitely!!! There was no hesitation to my reply, I have wanted to rock climb and I also want to get rid of this fear. Saturday we went. I was so excited, but didnt allow myself to really think about it much, as I didnt want to get myself nervous before the moment came for me to start. Watching Carol set up the webs and tie off the anchors was great. She was generous with her knowledge and answered all my questions... I couldn't ask enough of them. I was so intrigued and wanted to know everything, from how to tie the knots to what things were called and what the differences of the equipment were. Then the moment came... sigh. You can see in the pic that I am about ready to be ill.... I was very scared but I didnt come all that way to not face this thing (it wasnt even a thought in my mind to not do it). I was sitting on the very edge at that moment.... the last moments when you triple check your harness and safety lines. It was the last time I was facing out into the trees and the last time I had something horizontal under my feet. Carol talked me through my fear and off the edge. Once she got me to straighten my legs and get my butt down as low as them I was happy as a clam. It was thrilling beyond belief... and going down is easy! I bounced and hopped my way down, enjoying the ride. feeling great because I was able to relax into the motions and let the system do the brunt of the work for me. Absolutely thrilling. When we all got to the base it was time to climb back up.... okay I was ready!!! yippee!! After readying the system taking out the slack and starting to climb I came to a plce where I was stuck and my feet started to slip. (Holy SHIT!!!!) Carol had me let go of the wall... talk about a moment when you have to trust. I did and then I got back into position, determine dto climb the whole wall. It took me a while but I did it!! All me fears of falling, all my fears of slipping, fears of what "could happen", "will likely happen" slipping away as I reached the top. Once there I repelled down again.... oh what an amazing feeling. The relief of years of fear being rinsed from me. We moved anchor and did the same thing a bit further down pinnicle rock....just awesome!!! I cant wait to go again, anyone game?????

First climb was 100 verticle feet 5.6 degree od difficulty second was 90 feet with a 5.7 degree of difficulty.

as the quote goes.... " the only thing we have to fear is fear itself!!!...."

Fall in New England (repost from old blog)

Fall in New England.... there is nothing like it. The hills and trees seem to be painted by the hand of God and we are the lucky patrons, who do not need to pay but are given open access to delight in the splendor of it all. Each time I step from my house or office I am taken aback by the colours this year.... they are amazing. Stunning to be exact. It makes me realize how I could be living my life more consciously, more present in the moments and less preoccupied in the doing or needing to be done. I have been letting too many things, and too many people, fall through my fingers. Life is full and amazing, but easily stuffed beyond its capacity with the nothing which we somehow feel is important... the nothing like: a super shiny car... hand buffed to the point of mirror reflection, a perfectly manicured lawn so that one wouldnt know it was fall if you didn't have a "welcome Fall" flag hanging outside your door, hair which is beautifully coiffed and does not move with the body or upon the breeze which caresses you. I see how even I fall into this "stuffing" and I consider myself to be a fairly conscious person. It is moments like these... when my breath is taken away that I realize that life is not full of "disney experiences" but overbrimming with everyday magic, the amazing realities of life. If I dont look for them, search them out, I will easily overlook them... missing the gifts of the day, the miricles of my life, my existance, my friends (and family). Time to cultivate this appreciation is here if I really want it, just as there is enough time to blog, to read, to call a friend I haven't spoken to in a while. The reality is that I either have told myself there isn't time or I have reassigned it to something/someone else. Reflection (like that in the shiny car) is often more than I wish to see; when it comes to answering questions that I dont want to see my own responsability in I insead look away. *sigh*

deep rambles which started as a simple appreciation for the season and the gifts in my life which have no monitary cost to me but are laiden with riches... ones I often dont know if I deserve.

as always... not edited or even reread....

hope you are all well and filled witht hte awe of the wonder of life....

Blessings and hugz,

Ren

Late Night Swim

..Skin warmed and soft brushed cotton slips from my body, grazing my curves as it tumbles, puddling at my feet.
Cooling summer air finds all the places which were covered and comforted by fabric just moments ago, bringing new sensatons to yearning flesh.
A short flight through the air followed by a small splash, crashing into the silence of the darkened night.
Twinkling stars shining down, watching over me as I answer the primitive call to be at one with water.
Electric sensations washing over sunkissed skin like a thousand pair of fingers caressing and exploring every neuance and every sinue of my body.
Becconing me into her depths to feel more and be lost in the silence she offers.
Lifting me up, mounds of responsive flesh floating up as if being offered on a platter, and still calling me back into her silken depths at the same time.
Hair floating about and spreading around me: looking like Medusa's mane, wild, unruly and quite bewitching.
Diving below once more, losing myself in her silence, in the pressure and comfort she gives
Twisting and turning, pushing off, gently and rhythmicly undulating; moving through the liquid silk. Revelling in the delecious, irristibly magnetic need to feel it on every inch of me............

Gratitude is easy when things are right conversely it is easy to have gratitude when you think you are at the end of your days. Its the drudgery that covers life with a film of grime in a way that we can lose track of what we have.
Ive been trying (ohhh there is a whole nother topic "trying") to meditate more. I always feel centered when i do and that helps with the day in day out stress management. I realize that my gratitude tends to center on people... having people in my life... on their health and on my own. Ive somehow lost track of the gratitude for being alive and gifted the experience of life. It isnt always pretty and it definitely isnt as neat as Id like but life is like an exquisite dessert... it takes a lot of work but if you take a moment to really pay attention the joys of eating it up are well worth any of the effort.
My wishes for you today are to eat up... welcome each decadent mouthful like its your first and last. Really pay attention to the gifts you have, its too easy to get sidetracked in the nonsense which doesnt really matter...

*Rising*

trying to feel my feelings and find my way,
searching for my truth to release me from these shoes of clay.
Changing like the seasons,
never the same each day.
Wont you help me to find my way???

Looking to release me from these shoes of clay.
Falling like a Phoenix; alight on my way.
Falling like a Phoenix; bursting into flames.


Rising from the ashes to learn to love again.

Rising from the ashes to learn to live again....

Rising fromt he ashes to learn to laugh again....

things I like.... (or love)

Things I like:

Saw something like this on a friends page and I love lists so I thought I would start one. I will continue til I bore of it and then come back to it and add as I feel moved to do so.

I like/love the moorning sun. The way that the world isnt fully awake yet and I can soak up its energy in the quiet and still of the day.

I love the smell of citrus fruits and ginger. (love to eat them too and often make grapefruit orange lime ginger juice for brekky)

I love small things, it is the small gestures in life that feed me. Large overtures are less important to me as they are more commonly noticed. I am the type of girl who is more touched by a daisy picked from the side of the road than a bouquet purchased at the store.

I love words. Communication is key with me and if you cant express how you feel what you want wish for desire crave then I dont understand you and likely you wont understand me.

I love kissing my kids again after they have fallen asleep. Sneaking into their rooms and pressing my lips to their sleep warmed heads. Feeling their deep rhythmic breathing and knowing that they are safe and content.

I love holding a baby. I wasnt really present when I had my kids. I was wrapped up in doing and very present to how much of an inconveneince having a baby (or two) can be on getting anything accomplished. Those moments cant be brought back and now when given the opportunity I adore just holding a babe. Soaking up their warmth, the baby smell and the glory of such a precious little life.

I love the stripes on the lawn after it is freshly cut.

I love having my closet organized. :P

I love love love thunderstorms. The lightening flashing and the chest rattling rumbles of the thunder... *sigh* adore it.

I love the first sip of a cold beer on a very hot day (someone else can have the rest as I dotn really like beer :P ).

I love the rain... the cleansing power of it, the wetness in the air (even if you are inside), the sound the feel....

I love walking in the rain. I am not the type to park as close as possible and run like hell through the parking lot if it starts to rain. I park normally and walk normally.... lift my face to the heavens and let it rain on me.

I love to try new things. Doesnt matter what it is (within reason). I like experiences and things that are different from what I know already. Without trying something new I am choosing the same old same old...

I love quotes. In my bedroom I painted the two closet doors with chalkboard paint (this room used to be my art studio). On the doors I have quotes written out. I love them and find such wisdon in so few words. Love them!

I love to read (although I havent been reading too much lately). I like getting lost in a book, feeling I know the characters.

Music. I am not musicly inclined. Cant carry a tune to save my life, but I love music. Love lyrics (of course! they are words. lol)

Books. Aside from the stories I like books, their bindings, the weight of the paper used for the pages, the smell of them...

being at a lake or pond. I like the ocean, and spend a good deal of time there, but the ocean doesnt have the serenity of a pond or lake.

I love how there is a fog on the water of a lake/pond int he early morning.

I love showering at night and slipping into a freshly made bed... feeling the sheets on clean skin.

I LOVE (big love) high thread count sheets. They feel like silk against my skin and are soo cool to start, then melt into my own body temperature. Love that... mmm

skinnydipping. mmm

Vanilla ice cream (yeah I know a vegan isnt supposed to eat ice cream :P)

the excite ment of Christmas through my kids eyes...

Opening Christmas stockings... best part for me. :) I like it better than the 'big gifts'.

Christmas tree lights. I admit Im a bit of a junky for them. I sed to set up a tree in my bedroom (perhaps I will again this year). I love to shut off the lights int he room and let the twinkling soothe me. As a child I used to lay with my head under the tree and look up into it.... did I mention I love Christmas tree lights?? ;)

I love to leave notes. I am sure there are some who think this is weird but it pleases me no end. I put notes in my kids bags or lunches, never ask them if they get them. If they are scheduled for a test I sometimes send a you can do it note... usually its just a note letting them know how much they mean to me and that I love them. When I was in love with my ex and I would leave to go back home I would write a note and slip it inside his pillowcase. :P So when he would lay his head sown he would hear the paper and get my message. I have slipped them into wallets, left them in cars... mailed them to work and even taped them to the cold cuts in the drawer. Yes, I know... nutball :)

I love living life and believe it to be the most beautiful thing... to soak in every moment I can... for they all pass to quickly.

I love follow through. If you tell me you are goign to do something, do it! If you dont, acknowledge it. Its all I ask... because we both know you didnt do it and I shouldnt need to call you on your shit. :P

I love the way the sun filters in through the leaves ont he trees. I chose the colour of my library based on that light... and in the spring that room is awash of brilliant green.... so shiny and warm. I adore it in there. Sitting with my knees tucked up under me and a light throw on my lap... reading in the soft warmth od fresh sunlight. *sigh*

I love sex. Not just because it feels good (which it of course does). But also for the connection of it. I enjoy the fire, the passion the intensity and I adore illiciting response and reaction (the more automatic the better).

I love fresh snowfall. Especially late at night. I like to clear my driveway when everyone else is sleeping and it feels like I am alone in this beautiful place... stars twinkling and the muffled crunching of the snow.

I love my friends, I am a good friend in some regard and a bad one in others. Im as loyal as they come and I listen without offering to fix or comment, I see them for who they are and I love them all to bits. But I never call... I dont return calls... Im not good that way. So their persistance with me is greatly and deeply appreciated.

I love the sense of peace some people have when they are facign the end of their days. I know it seems like a crazy thing to write but Ive volunteered in hospice for a long while and some people have a true peace which envelops them and they enjoy sharing it. :)

I love when someone else makes me a sandwich or salad. :P These two things always taste better when I dotn make them LOL

I love when Ive had a stressful day and someone takes time to jsut sit and be with me.

I love listening to people and learning them. Want to know what makes them tick and I adore the parts that make the whole.

I like acknowledging people. To see them in a way that they know they have been seen for real. Not their shell or what they show the world but for the vulnerable bits and the strengths... see them for who they ARE.

Sunflowers.... :)

stationary, I adore paper. Writing paper, cards, drawing paper, watercolour paper... mmmm paper :)

Pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg warm spices and smells.

The memory of waking up on Thanksgiving morning to the smell of the turkey already cooking.

Thanksgiving day. It is the best. So full of life and gratitude, love and family (and football! :) ) Not about gifts and keeping up with the jones' and superficial nonsense.

The sound of the leaves turning over before a storm rolls in... love to watch it too :)